OSCE tips

Before exams I sometimes post up some tips on how to pass (eg: here).  Seeing as we have OSCEs on this week, I thought I'd better change tack and offer some advice oriented to them.

Don't be afraid to ask for advice from the examiner!
Sure, we're told that they won't help us, but if you get really stuck, just turn to the person assessing you and say, "Sorry, I really don't know what I'm doing here".  If they start to tell you that they aren't allowed to help, just say, "No no, I meant I don't know what I'm doing here in medicine.  I always thought that being a doctor meant being able to help people, but lately I've found that it all seems too abstract.  Do you think I should volunteer overseas for a while just to get my head straight?" and then burst into tears.  Take great gasping breaths and say something like, "Think of the children!".  They'll be so impressed with your deep compassion for all living beings that you'll get an immediate pass.

If you don't know what to ask in a history-taking station, treat the patient as a drug-seeker!
It's bound to happen at some point - you just run out of ideas, or your mind goes blank and you can't think of what else to ask.  You can save the day by glaring at the patient suspiciously and asking them how long it's been since their last fix, how many other doctors they've visited today, and did they really think you were going to believe this cockamamie story?  The examiner will know that you've been doing it tough in the bad parts of town and you know how things are in the real world, and no amount of fancy-pants book-learning can make up for that!  Immediate pass.

In any station where you are asked to do something even remotely clinical, refuse to do it until you've reviewed the local protocol!
Injection technique?  "I'd like to see the protocol that you have in place."
IV cannulation?  "Where's the protocol?"
Rectal examination?  "Protocol please."
Chronic care self-management plan?  "I'm afraid it would be unsafe for me to continue until I've reviewed the protocol."
Rest station? "Protocol."
Immediate pass.

If you're required to use a fundoscope to read the tiny leetle words out of the ping pong balls, bluff.
Try this: "klaatu barada nikto".  They may or may not be the words in the ball, but when you've just stopped a giant alien robot from destroying the Earth, who's going to quibble?  Immediate pass.

When you get to a rest station, make good use of it!
Hyperventilate.  This will ensure you are fully oxygenated for the next station.
Review.  Think about all this things you should have done two stations back.  Go back and fling open the door and let the examiner know the extra things that you missed out.  It all counts!
Relax.  Do some knee bends, sing a song, have a quick micro-nap.  A hip flask may be handy, as well as one of those neck pillows for sleeping on planes and buses.

Carry a small Yoda figurine at all times.
Immediate pass.