How to choose an alpaca

People often accost me as I go about my daily business, demanding that I help them select an alpaca.  While I'm happy to assist my close friends and family in this way, the sheer volume of requests that I have been receiving is grossly inconvenient.  Hence I present you with this handy guide to choosing the alpaca that is right for you.

First, don't just think about alpacas.  While alpacas are fun-loving delightful companions, so too are all of the llamoid species.  And let's not leave out the mixed breeds!  To help you decide, ask yourself these questions:

How much do you weigh?  If you have a "fuller figure", perhaps you'd be happier with a vicuna or a guanaco.  Or perhaps not!  Sometimes the "fuller figured" gentleman about town is best served by an alpaca after all.  Only you can tell for sure, but not until you've gotten out there and met some of these other friendly camelids.

Next, how experienced are you?  If you're a new alpaca owner, there's no sense spending $10,000 on a prime alpaca which is just going to get all dinged up in the first few months while you're figuring out how to use it right.  Just get an el-cheapo from ebay for $100 that you won't be afraid of hurting, and you'll learn faster and can sell it to the next sucker learner once you're ready to upgrade.  Be warned - postage can be expensive so it's best to buy local!

How long are your arms?  Measure from armpit to the tip of your middle finger on both sides and use the shorter arm as your guide.  DO NOT buy an alpaca with a chest girth larger than your shortest arm length.  It will be extremely fatiguing to carry.

What's your personality type?  Don't choose an aggressive alpaca that likes to spit unless you're prepared to defend it with your fists or a length of cycle chain.  Likewise, don't choose an alpaca which is flippant or sarcastic unless you don't take yourself too seriously.

Are you planning to travel a lot with your alpaca or just keep it at home?  If you're going to take your alpaca onto public transport, to work, or on holidays, you'll want one with a slow metabolism so you don't have to lug around bags of heavy food.  It will also be sluggish and easier to catch when it inevitably tries to flee. 

Finally, consider your own personal appearance.  You should choose an alpaca that complements your best features.  For example, if you have straight even white teeth, choose an alpaca with stinking yellow buckteeth.  If you have stinking yellow buckteeth, grow a long moustache that covers your mouth.  If you have pale skin, choose an alpaca that is a rich green or deep red.  If you have two legs, choose an alpaca with four or more.  It's common sense really, but take a friend along who you can trust to be honest with you.  It can really help to get your friend to photograph you with a few different alpacas so you can see for yourself what an idiot you look like.

Good luck choosing your alpaca.  A good alpaca will be your constant companion for many years - a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, and a source of courage and inspiration.  I find it hard to imagine how my life would have turned out without my many alpaca friends.  It really is true what the Bolivians say: "A house with no alpaca is like a beard with no letterbox."