Frequently Asked Questions Answered

Why do you scorn the letter E?
Alas, am I so transparent? I had hoped to hide this foible of mine from the world, but as they say, "In bloggo veritas". I scorn the letter E because it is so common and, as such, entirely unsuitable for a person of my distinguished breeding. In closing: E - pfft!

Have you ever thought about becoming a veterinarian? How about an actuary?
No, and yes. For some reason being a vet never occurred to me. It's possible that this is because I grew up on a small farm and came to associate vets with the imminent destruction of animals. Then again, perhaps not. I have fond memories of one vet who treated my pet mouse Devondale for depression-related self-harm, so he would have been quite a positive role model. As for being an actuary, I briefly considered this following a conversation with an odd bloke in Toowong, Queensland when I was 19, who told me of his life as an actuary. It sounded quite interesting right up until he started talking about insurance. In hindsight I think he might have been trying to chat me up, but I suppose we'll never know the truth about that.

Have you ever cooked a savoury dish using vanilla pods?
No, they all turned out most unsavoury indeed. However I do have an excellent track record of using cinnamon in curries.

If your relationship with your smaller half were to be represented by a tattoo somewhere on your person, what would it be (and where)?
The easy answer would be a tattoo of a wedding ring on my left hand ring finger, but since I've got an actual wedding ring serving that function already, I'll say that I would have a tattoo of Vasco de Gama over my heart, to symbolize the great voyage that we are on together through life. Either that or a picture of Johnny Blaze - Ghost Rider - with his grinning skull engulfed by flame, all the way down my back, because that would be real badass, just like us.

As a secondary question, can you confirm that your smaller half is indeed a person, and not some tasteless euphemism?
Haha - you clearly have great talent in the field of tasteless euphemisms. Please visit my blog more often and post comments with vigour. Yes, she is indeed a real person. You can see a picture of her shadow in my profile picture, thus demonstrating that not only is she real, she is also not a wampyr.

Is it acceptable to name your children after pets?
Not in my opinion. But that's because I come from the school of thought that holds that pets should have foolish names such as Devondale (my mouse), Gigantor (one of my snails) or Erskine (my goat). Children also should have foolish names, but of a different calibre entirely, such as Moon Unit or Bean Curd. However, the book is not closed on this issue since I don't have any children yet. Time will tell. Hmm, the more I think about it the better Devondale sounds as a kid's name...

Is it true that you're a technical script adviser to Lawrence Leung's "Choose your own adventure"?
If only that were true I would be a happy happy man.

What would be the menu for your last supper?
It would be a printed brochure showing the options available for the diner to select. Haha, just having a little fun there, I know what you really meant. It depends if I was to be imminently executed or not. In a Death Row situation I would ask for a steak sandwich from Gus' cafe in Canberra, followed by my Aged Mother's steamed pudding - comfort food all round. In a less punitive setting I would eat Peking duck followed by a large bowl of fruit salad (no bananas) to really freshen me up.

Scrunch or fold?
Fold. I make tiny little origami dung beetles and set them to work. It's kind of like that film, The Mummy.

How long is a piece of string?
How long do you want it to be, cowboy?

How many people would you kill to bring about world peace?
Human nature being what it is, I suspect it would have to be N-1, where N is the world population.

Let me rephrase ^ that. ^ How many people would you be happy to kill, if it gave the world, world peace?
Except in the highly unlikely scenario of everybody in the world bar one person being passionately devoted to securing world peace, and that one person happening to be a really bad type of guy, the answer would be zero since I tend to be a hopelessly impractical idealist. Actually, even in that scenario the answer would still be zero since although I might consider killing the bad guy from a utilitarian perspective, I definitely wouldn't be happy about it. I'm pretty sure that Yoda said something clever about this sort of thing in Return of the Jedi but on reviewing my google searches it looks like he plagiarized JRR Tolkien. Jedi Fail!

Which prime time news reporter do you like the least?
Since I don't watch TV news I am grossly unqualified to answer this question. However, since that isn't generally an obstacle to me voicing an opinion, I'll just say whichever one is least like Chris Bath. Probably some idiot sports reporter I suppose.

Is punching someone in the dark a victimless crime?
I can see why you ask. Your previous two questions were about justifiable homicide and hostility towards celebrities, so the fact that you seem to be seeking my permission to assault people fits right in. I'm happy to disappoint you in this regard though - punching someone in the dark is not a victimless crime. Unless you're a professional footballer. Apparently they're allowed to do whatever they want.

Is the phrase 'down pat' or 'down packed'?
"Down pat". What kind of moron says "down packed"? (Unless you're talking about doonas.) This touches on an important issue, which is how enraged I become when people mispronunciate words or phrases. Chief among the offenders is Coles, which has a sign (or it used to) telling you which aisle you could find "Box Chocolate" in. Several years ago I wrote an indignant letter to the Sydney Morning Herald about it but they didn't publish it. The bright side is that their myopic editorial policy is one of the things that led me to start this blog where I could rant on topics like this to my heart's content.

Having been tempted with very expensive jars of duck fat, I am at a loss with what on earth to do with said fat. Any suggestions?
I would fry eggs in it. Yum! Or meatballs. Otherwise I'm sure Mr Google will be able to help you.

As you made reference to utilitariansim would you subscribe to a system of a mandatory organ donation society where you would be forced to donate, perhaps terminally, IF through the collective goodness of your innards, the useful life of the recipients outweighed your own?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: I don't subscribe to the utilitarian point of view. I made reference to it earlier purely to illustrate that even in an extreme scenario I think that the utilitarian toolkit is a few spanners short. The idea of living in a society where people are coerced into donating their organs is grotesque.

have you ever rated your poo?
(www.ratemypoo.com)
Honestly people. Let's keep the tone up. Next question please.