Making time

People sometimes say to me, "How do you find time to write a blog?"

It's an interesting question but the answer is fairly lengthy so I decided to write this entry explaining how I work this miracle, so that in future I can just refer them to this URL.

First, I'd like to point out that I have never ever found time.  I found $40 once in Brisbane but then my friends made me buy everyone pizza for dinner.  I find paperclips frequently.  But I've never found any time that has been carelessly misplaced by its owner.  So if you're thinking of relying on finding more time to help you get through your busy schedule - don't!

When I tell people this, they look at me funny and explain that they really meant "making time", not "finding time".  Then they look at me funny again and explain that they're not really talking about making new time, they're metaphorically talking about making better use of the time they already have.  Now, I'm all in favour of making wiser use of time, though personally it's something I struggle with.  But it's a myth that you can't make new time.  I make time all the ... well, all the time.  Here's how.

There are two main techniques for creating time.  The hammer method, and the screwdriver method.

The hammer method for creating time relies on recreating the conditions that existed at the start of the universe.  As that smart guy explained in "A Brief History of Time", before the Big Bang there was no space-time.  It was only when an infinitely dense singularity manifested itself that space-time formed, unfurled, and POW! - plenty of time created right there.  Billions of years of it in fact. 

Now most of us don't need billions of years.  Even I don't procrastinate that badly.  Let's just say we need an extra week.  It's estimated that the universe is about 13 billion years old, the observable part of it contains about 10^80 atoms (that's a 1 with 80 zeroes after it), and the Jack Russell Terrier was bred from the Fox Terrier.  Some simple arithmetic tells me that I just need (whirr, click, bing!) about 100 grams of carbon to create an extra week of it.  Something like a lump of coal should do.

What you do is simply compress the lump of coal until it is infinitely dense.  An easy way to do this would be by hitting it with a hammer, whence comes the name of the method.  Be careful though - it will make a big bang!  (ha ha ha)  But seriously, you'll have to hit it very hard, so put some newspaper under the coal or you'll damage your table.  Once you've created this new universe, simply enter it and enjoy the extra week that you have created at your leisure.

The screwdriver method is more elegant, but trickier to execute.  The theory behind it is this: imagine a plane that can be described using two coordinates, x and y.  An arrow in the direction of x can be converted into an arrow in the direction of y by turning it 90 degrees anticlockwise.  The axis of rotation is in the 3rd dimension, z.

Similarly, the space-time continuum is a four-dimensional space defined by 3 space coordinates x,y,z and time, t.  To make time, you simply take a piece of space of the appropriate length and rotate it about an axis in the 5th dimension to convert the space into time.  The speed of light, c, is 10^8 metres per second.  Therefore space converts into time at a rate of 10,000 km for every second.  So to create a week of extra time you simply need a piece of space 60x60x24x7x10,000, or roughly 6 billion km long.  Give it a twist, and the week is yours!  Note: don't do this with a piece of space that someone is using, or they'll get very angry at you.  Also, you should do this outside unless your house is very large.

So that's how I make time to write this blog.  I hope this has been helpful to you and that you will now have all the time you need to do whatever you want.  But be warned, use this power for good, not evil...