Circumference

Some people will tell you that when they were young they just knew they wanted to be neurosurgeons. Others will tell you that ever since they were a little kid, they wanted to be a race car driver when they grew up. When I was a young whippersnapper, I couldn't wait to be grown up so that the ratio of the circumference of my head to that of my neck would get smaller.

Allow me to explain. You know how kids have giant-size bobble-heads? (I mean in comparison to their body size.) And they have these skinny little pencil-necks. Well I have always had an exceptionally large head. Not once have I ever been able to comfortably wear a "one size fits all" hat, except by perching it on top of my skullbone like a beret. And due to my willowy and graceful physique, I have always been the posterboy for the pencil-necks.

You might wonder why this matters, apart from sheer aesthetic concerns. The reason it bugged me so much when I was little was because kids clothes always seem to have the neck-hole tailored to the size of the neck rather than the size of the head that has to pass through it. So when Mum was dressing me in the morning, the rough inflexible collar on my t-shirt or whatever would have to drag harshly down across my face, scraping my nose and cheeks all the way. Taking it off again, it would sometimes catch under my not inconsiderable nose and could then only be removed by forcing it back down to my neck and starting all over again.

My mother always dressed me fairly vigorously, so there was the ever-present danger of having my nose ripped right off, or having my eyelids stretched down over my chin or back over my forehead. It was terrifying! To make it worse, we lived in a cold place and my bedroom was unheated. The subzero temperatures made the whole process even more painful. Being stuffed and pummelled into my school clothes every morning was my least favourite part of the day.

So now I am all growed up. Sadly, I still have a giant head and a slender neck. (I compensate for this by leaning backwards as I approach people so the laws of perspective make me appear normal.) The big difference though is that I now dress myself, so I mostly wear button-up shirts. Yessssssss!!