Friday, March 27, 2009

Excuse me while I whip this out

I am at home today trying to study the gastrointestinal system. I am very uninspired. For some reason I am not very interested in it. Oh sure, the way everything is put together is very clever, here's a little golf clap for evolution: *clap clap clap*. But the actual medicine aspect is boring.

Here's how it works:
  1. Patient presents with diarrhoea. (All patients present with diarrhoea.)
  2. Doctor takes detailed history about things apparently unrelated to poo, such as tattoos, sexual practices, blood transfusions, and whether patient has ever worked as a paprika splitter.
  3. Doctor advises patient to wait a week.
  4. Patient re-presents in a week with the same symptoms.
  5. Doctor sends patient for colonoscopy.
  6. If anything like a lump is found, whip it out.
  7. If no lump is found, patient is put on steroids.
  8. If the steroids don't work, doctors keep alternately removing pieces of the patient and putting them back on steroids until something different happens.
  9. Oh yeah, tell the patient to try not eating wheat just to see if that helps.
I'm sure it's fascinating for all the surgeons out there who are just itching to cut pieces out of people, but as a thing to study it is dull.

It drives me nuts to try to remember stuff about so-called enterchromaffin-like cells when I don't even know what the hell this so-called enterochromaffin is. Maybe it's something I've forgotten from last year, or maybe I was sick that day in high school when everyone learned about enterochromaffin. Like that time when I missed the lesson on complex numbers and was lost for a fortnight. "The square root of negative one? That's crazy-talk!"

Hmm, hang on, contrary to the last post I have just sat here whinging about my study. Oh well. Toughen up people, you'll be reading a lot more of this stuff from now on as from day to day I learn more and more about just how badly my goose is cooked.


Anonymous said...

Dear PTR,

How does one cook a goose well? Does that trick of bacon strips over the breast that is SO yummy for chooks hold true for geese?

Is there something gourmet that you can cook with the goose intestines? I'm thinking Maggie Beer could knock out a version of black pudding that involves goose intestines crammed with pate.

PTR said...

In my experience the best way to cook a goose is to not do your homework, skip a bunch of classes, leave the pracs early, and read wikipedia entries on golden age comic book heroes rather than doing anything even tangentially related to education.

It may not be intestines packed with pate but it will induce a similar feeling of nausea.

PTR said...

By the way, in one of those bizarre coincidences so prevalent in my life, it turns out that all this discussion of geese and pate is similar to my previous post concerning polar bear bile:

As it happens, one of the primary bile acids synthesized by the liver is chenodeoxycholic acid, first found in geese! (cheno = goose in Greek)

So if you had severe right upper quadrant abdominal pain after eating a fatty meal and you couldn't find a polar bear to extract bile from, you could always try extracting it from one of these imaginary goose pate sausages that you're suggesting!

Wow - it's incredible how good I am at procrastinating.