Saturday, January 1, 2011


Happy New Year!  And now for a purely hypothetical situation that I'd like your input on.

Just say, hypothetically speaking, that you and your dear wife had had a trying day with your darling newborn baby.  And just say, hypothetically speaking, that after cooking a delicious meal you prepare a plate of cherries, apricots, and seasonal stonefruit varieties to be enjoyed by you and your dear wife.

And imagine, if you will, in this hypothetical situation, that one of the red plums on that plate was the very same red plum that languished alone in the refrigerator for a week while you and your dearest went home to celebrate Christmas in the lunatic asylum that passes for your family home and as such this hypothetical red plum is past its prime.  To put it bluntly, the red plum is too soft.

And, hypothetically speaking, imagine how you would feel if your dear wife was to say, "I don't like the look of that plum", and you, in this hypothetical scenario that bears no relation whatsover to any events that may have occurred right here in my own house this very evening, were to bravely offer to try the super-soft plum and then were to pronounce it fit for consumption only to have your dear wife decide that "fit for consumption" was perhaps setting the bar too low in terms of the suitability of after-dinner treats and thus decide that the entirety of the super-soft red plum was yours to eat.

So hypothetically speaking, which do you think is true:
  1. You are entitled to some of your dear wife's cherries to compensate you for having done the manly thing by eating the possibly suspect fruit on her behalf?  Or,
  2. Your dear wife is entitled to some of your cherries to compensate her for having missed out on the red plum?
I really want to know how you think on this weighty issue.


    Matticus Finch said...

    This is an easy one PTR. Many years observing couples has prepared me for just such a situation. Unfortunately it's a bit late now, but with the purchase of a soft plum or some light fossicking around the back of a fruit and veg shop you could replicate the events and act more appropriately.

    The cherries aren't a sizable enough offering to sate the martyr within, the entire plate should have been offered with some sort of mutterings about not caring before slipping into silent mode.

    In the months to come there will be times when mono syllable answers will be unavoidable, and you may choose to throw in the odd "whatever" as well. In company you may find yourself tempted to forget the hurt of the rejected plum, but you can still use body language to convey your feelings and have the odd sly passive aggressive dig particularly if any type of stone fruit is offered up. Eventually after enough time has passed you may find yourself forgetting to be cross but an easy way to avoid this letting go would be to carry a soft plum in your pocket at all times. If your crossness is ever bought up then simply deny deny deny. Never forget, remember it's not me it's you.

    If that all seems like too much work then I would suggest serving nothing but soft plums for as long as it takes, and remember to look smug when hunger finally overcomes. That positive reinforcement stuff is rubbish.

    PTR said...

    Matticus, your advice has inspired me. As I type I have a squashed soft plum in my hands. Well - it's a baby actually, but the consistency is about the same.

    Should this entirely hypothetical scenario ever eventuate, I will be prepared!

    Matticus Finch said...

    Maintain the rage.