Don't do this at home

PTR

So, what do you do for a job?

Patient

I'm a butcher.

PTR

Me too.  Ha ha ha ha.

Patient

...

PTR

Anyway, it's really true isn't it, that if you want a decent piece of meat you should buy it at a butcher's shop instead of a supermarket.

Patient

I'm a butcher in a supermarket.

PTR

... Sooooo, it's the end of my shift now. 

Bye!

Nothing beats fish-fingers

Rock-paper-scissors is a good game to play with a four-year-old.  It's simple enough to remember when you're exhausted, yet also boundlessly entertaining enough to keep them occupied trying to outsmart you.  But it's just not good enough for some.

Probably the best known rock-paper-scissors extension is rock-paper-scissors-Spock-lizard, as illustrated below.  It's tolerably amusing, I suppose, if you happened to be trapped in a broken subway with four (other) sweaty nerds.

Tonight while playing rock-paper-scissors with the Hatchling during dinner, she was riding high on a string of 5 successive victories, when she suddenly innovated.  My Smaller Half had played scissors - the Hatchling played a single extended finger.

"What's that? A sword?", I asked.
"No, a fish finger!", she said.
"Okay. So how does it work? What does the fish finger beat?"
"The goldfish", she replied, waving her flat hand held vertically, rather than horizontally as in paper.
"Right. And what does the goldfish beat?"
"Fish food!", she said, forming an inverted cup with her fingers pointing downward to the table.
"Okay, and what does the fish food beat?"
"Nothing!"
"What? There's not much incentive to play that then.  Does anything beat the fish finger?"
"No."

A pretty bizarre variant - it's basically two parallel games.  Rock-paper-scissors runs independently and as normal in its cyclical structure. And from time to time you can, if you wish, go skewing off into the fourth dimension and play the other fishfinger-goldfish-fishfood game, which is strictly hierarchical and entirely lacking in strategy of any kind.  Basically if you're playing this game the fish-fingers stretch out in front of you to infinity unless you decide for some reason to deliberately throw the game by playing goldfish or fish-food.

As for what happens if there is cross-over between the two games, at this stage the science is unclear.  Does fish-food beat paper? Do scissors beat gold-fish? I'd suggest treading carefully until the full ramifications have been worked out by the experts.

Nevertheless, as mentioned above, rock-paper-scissors-fishfinger-goldfish-fish-food captures some essential truths about life:

• it's repetitive,
• you cannot win, unless your enemy chooses to lose,
• you don't want to be fish food,
• nothing beats fish-fingers.

I think this is going to catch on and be a Big Thing.  Might get some t-shirts printed.  

But remember kids - don't play for money.

This week on MasterChef

Another amazing week of culinary feats this week on MasterChef!  Let's look ahead to the highlights:

• On Monday, watch the contestants scurry to cook a meal in just 45 minutes, using only ingredients that start with the letter Q.  Jessica prepares a quail and quinoa quesadilla, while Kha plans a quince quiche with quark, but runs into a quirky quandary.  Who will win the day?
• Tuesday: Mystery Box!  The contestants are always pushed to the limit by the Mystery Box and tonight is no exception. They are required to design, prepare and serve a seafood luncheon to the missing aviatrix Amelia Earhart.  Georgia and Jamie team up to scour the floor of the Pacific Ocean for fresh ingredients and the wreckage of her plane.  Do they have what it takes to succeed?
• On Wednesday, the budding chefs are challenged to a contest of basic skills.  They are given 10 minutes to remove and fillet their own leg, something most of them have never done before. Reynold concocts an impromptu blood sausage before lapsing into unconsciousness, while Jarrod panics and cuts off his left arm by mistake, necessitating a visit to the MasterChef nurse.
• On Thursday, the contestants visit the training venue of the Australian Paralympic basketball team for inspiration.  In a poorly timed challenge of questionable taste, they are required to prepare and serve a three course service without using their hands.  Jarrod comes roaring back into the competition as the only cook with two functional lower limbs.
• Finally, they are divided into two teams for the weekend brunch challenge. The Red team must cook in an atmosphere of pure oxygen, while the Blue team must cook with no oxygen at all. Can you guess who dies in a fiery explosion, and who succumbs to hypoxic brain injury?  And will it affect their chances in the ensuing elimination challenge?

For recipes, filleting tips, and lessons in basic chemistry, why not visit the MasterChef website? Tune in tonight to watch our search for Australia's 2015 ...  MASTERCHEF!