Thursday, February 14, 2013

Man up or else

Valentines day. The day when mainstream men suddenly get uppity about being "told what to do". Despite the fact that compulsory presents on Christmas and birthdays didn't bother them. They resent being forced to visit a florist. Perhaps somebody will mistake them for a homosexual. Better buy sunflowers instead. They're much more hetero.

Still struggling? Consider this: what if Valentines day was also your Smaller Half's birthday? Wouldn't that up the ante a little?

Yeah? And what if Valentines day was also your wedding anniversary? Going to be so curmudgeonly now? Too much trouble to break out the plastic for some stem therapy?

Oh, and by the way, not only is it Valentines day, birthday, and wedding anniversary, it also happens to be the birthday of your only child. Pressure! Plus, it's Christmas. And Easter. And Anzac Day too. The moons, you see. A great conjunction.

But it's not that easy. You can't just give in and buy flowers. What if your Smaller Half is allergic to flowers? And not just sneezy allergic. I'm talking full on anaphylaxis within seconds of boarding a bus which days earlier was brushed up against by a passing bee. What now?

But you can't just NOT buy flowers. The flowers, although grown in practically slave conditions by helpless immigrants in Holland, provide their only means of economic support, without which they'll be expelled back to the Congo to an uncertain life, or death. The guilt, the guilt.

But wait, they aren't Dutch flower growers at all. They're Belgians. Ew. Put the blooms back on the shelf please. Sorry child slave flower growers, I'm not risking homosexual double birthday anniversary anaphylaxis just to line the pockets of some fat Belgian. Not while I've got this terrible diarrhoea.

You'll have to wait for Mothers Day.

No comments: