Monday, May 16, 2011

Leopard hunting

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is more embarrassing to be caught staring at someone peeing in the park than to be stared at while peeing in the park.  Okay, perhaps it's not universally acknowledged, but it's the core tenet of my moral philosophy - one which finally came in handy yesterday when I caught someone peeing in the park.

We were taking a stroll in the crisp afternoon air down by the parks near the racetrack, when I glanced to my side and noticed someone behaving furtively.  She was middle aged, well-dressed, and would not have looked out of place sharing a bruschetta in a trendy cafe with her friends.  Except she was standing beside a clump of trees, looking back and forth anxiously.

Curious, I stared.  Suddenly she whipped her daks down and squatted at the base of the tree.  It was apparent to me that she was peeing in the park.  Normally I would have laughed and looked away, but now she'd committed to the act she was carrying it off with great zeal and elan.  In fact I wasn't even sure that she was peeing at all.  She wasn't hunched awkwardly forward - she was restfully squatting with a split-stance and gazing calmly into the middle distance in the manner of someone who is hunting a leopard and has just finished contemplating its spoor.  Perhaps I had misjudged the situation.  Perhaps she was in fact hunting a leopard in the Adelaide parklands.  With her pants down.

At this point I realized that if she were to look around and see me staring in astonishment I would be mortified.  The tables would be turned and I would feel like a creepy pervert.  The thing is, if you need to pee in the park, so be it - you just have to.  Whereas I was a voluntary participant in this sordid drama and I felt it reflected very poorly on me indeed.  So I alerted my companions to the situation so that we would be in the majority.  Excellent!

The woman then stood up, whipped her daks up again, and briskly strode off casually adjusting her fly as she went, in that way that people do when they are trying to look as if they aren't really fiddling with their groin when they actually are.  About 40 yards away a family picnic continued in blissful ignorance, which she then rejoined.

I wonder what she told them she was doing?


Anonymous said...


Does your almost universal truth also apply to public defacation?

Anonymous said...

I pee in my field and shit in the woods.....but I'm always sure to wipe my bits and butt properly ;)