Truth

It's time to set the record straight.  Some people are whipping up hysteria by spreading rumours of certain events that are reputed to have occurred during last week's trip to Renmark.  These rumours are baseless, I tell you, baseless!  More specifically:

1. Nobody ate 9 quarter chickens on Monday night.  The exact total is uncertain but I lost count after 8, so anyone claiming anything different is a scurrilous liar.
2. Pelicans can not defeat humans in single combat.  Especially not really fat pelicans.  Unless there's a bacon and egg roll involved.
3. I am actually a good pool player.
4. My digestion is functional.
5. I am fully committed to the research team and care deeply about the integrity of its results.
6. Meat pies are a healthy part of breakfast, lunch AND dinner.  It's the Australian way.
7. It is possible that my airway was temporarily blocked by a piece of chicken.  Or meat pie.  Or pelican.  But I don't have sleep apnoea.
   
8. It was the vinyl mattress reflecting my body heat back at me that caused the problem rather than any kind of metabolic disorder.

Please ignore any information to the contrary.  The people spreading it are scoundrels of the highest degree.