Get out of my holiday

I have realized that I am self-righteous tourist.

I'm the kind of guy that sees another tourist doing essentially the same thing as me, and thinks, Those western tourists, they are so pathetic.  I bet they think they're being really adventurous and having a real cultural experience.  Well they're not - but I am.  

I am incredibly judgmental of my fellow travellers.  For example, anyone with an iPod gets written off my list immediately.  Like last week when we went to Halong Bay and the Aussie couple next to me in the bus didn't look out the window once for the whole three hour bus ride there.  They watched some action flick on a postage-stamp screen instead.  Nice one.

Or the American girls on the boat in Halong Bay who connected their iPod to the ship's foghorn and belted out their appalling dance beats because, apparently, when you're at the "beach" you need "beach music".  

Fortunately, on that same trip there were three other people who objected enough to the music to get the crew to pull the plug.  Hooray!  Now these are my kind of people.  And by the way, if you're reading this, hello!  We loved meeting you and had a lot of fun - please stay in touch.  Very few people escape the secret tribunal of my mind unscathed, but you did.

Other types of tourists that I despise are:

• Tourists that buy souvenirs (I buy souvenirs, but as gifts for my family - I know they are lame, I am being ironic or postmodern or something.  You, on the other hand, have no taste at all.)
  
• Tourists that eat at the same food stalls as local people (I do this too but my experience is much more authentic, whereas you are only after cheap thrills.)
  
• Tourists who go on tours (I do this only because it reduces the administrative load for me, you do it because you are unimaginative and fearful.)
  
• Tourists who photograph anything unusual or quirky (I do this but I have a fine eye for Statements.  You are just crass and culturally insensitive.)
  

I think you probably get the picture now.  If you're ever on holiday anywhere and I walk in - run for your life.  Soon you will be ridiculed and caricatured for daring to be on holiday.

You have been warned.