Self-diagnosis goes wrong

It seems to be a common occurrence for medical students to become raging hypochondriacs. Yesterday we were shown pictures of people with scarlet fever and the classic "strawberry tongue". Today, my tongue has been stinging and sore all day. When I woke up I assumed it was because I was thirsty. Later on I assumed it was because I burned it with organic coffee from the hippy shop. (Organic coffee burns your mouth so much better.) But this evening it occurred to me that I must have scarlet fever. A quick look at my tongue in the mirror confirmed that it was indeed somewhat red in colour. Or it probably would have been if it wasn't covered with the chewed up remains of whatever crud it was I'd been eating all day. Definitely scarlet fever!

So I ran to tell my Smaller Half who, being one year more knowledgeable than me regarding medical issues, disagreed with my hasty diagnosis. She told me that I didn't have scarlet fever, and that I was fine. Amazing how once you're in second year they teach you to diagnose without even glancing at the patient, and while doing the dishes too!

Then she mentioned, quite offhandedly, that "having a tingling tongue is a neurological sign". I gasped. I imagined myself having to write my own version of "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", or "My Left Foot". I asked what it signified. "Well", she said, "it means you've got no brain."

That's champagne comedy!