Fund-raising ideas

Movember - we've all seen the slow-mo train wreck happening year after year right?  It's all about guys growing a mo during November and getting sponsored to raise money for men's health issues.  It's not something I've done myself, despite knowing I would dominate, for two reasons:

1. It really annoys me that people will happily donate to charity only when someone else is being made to suffer or look absurd.  The ice-bucket challenge - yeah it raised a lot of money but why can't people just donate to worthy causes without all these shenanigans?
2. My Smaller Half says my Mo is too scratchy.  Sad face.

Nevertheless, it seems to be an effective way to raise money for worthy causes.  Since I won't actually participate in these fund-raisin exercises, I decided that the best way for me to contribute would be to suggest some other monthly fund-raising activities for worthy causes that sometimes struggle to get the support they desperately need.  

1. Jamuary - Broadcast noise on your neighbor's wi-fi frequencies for a month, and raise money for music education in schools.
2. Sledruary - Get sponsored to use a toboggan as your sole means of personal transport.  Funds raised to support measures preventing global warming.
3. Fartch - Raise money by catching all your farts in a jar for a month.  Monies used to support research into Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
4. Tape-ril - Help raise money for diabetes research by swallowing tapeworm eggs and getting sponsors to pay you for every pound you shed in the next month.
5. Nay - All you have to do is say "Nay" and "Yea" instead of "No" and "Yes" for a month to help set up holiday farms for retired racehorses.
6. Dune - To raise money for water purification kits for African villages, get sponsored to wear blue contact lenses all month.  Bonus sponsorship for drinking your own urine.
7. Jewly - Vow to not visit cheezburger.com for a month to raise money for charities fighting antisemitism.
8. Orcgust - Get your sponsors together and play D&D every night for a month to help fund the fight against autism.
9. Sectember - Get sponsors to contribute for each follower you indoctrinate into your personal cult.  Have a blast and gather donations for Scientology de-programming all month.
10. Cocktober - Wear only a chicken suit all month to raise money for eliminating non-free-range chicken farms.
11. Movember - See the intro...
12. Freecember - Get your friends/family/colleagues to pledge to support you to eschew money and only engage in barter for a month.  All donations go to the IMF.

Bloody Oath

I'm a doctor.  *boggle*

At the qualifying ceremony we all had to stand up and read out this thing called the Physician's Oath.  As Physicians we had to promise to be good guys and to always do our best and where-ever there's injustice, you will find us, and so forth.  Unfortunately it wasn't the pithy old Hippocratic Oath in which you vow solemnly to put African wildlife in boxes.  No, this was lengthy and sounded like it was written by someone with a Diploma in Public Health and a shiny pair of pants. 

As a result, my mind wandered.  I started thinking - which is always dangerous.  I thought to myself, Hey!  Hey Self!  You've got this degree: Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery.  Is that two degrees or just one?  And how come you know a little bit of medicine but almost no surgery.  And how come I'm taking this Physician's Oath but not a Surgeon's Oath?  Maybe nobody has written one!

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the red corner, may I present...

The Surgeon's Oath

AT THE TIME OF BEING ADMITTED AS A MEMBER OF THE SURGICAL PROFESSION:

I am honoured to make this declaration in front of such of my family and friends that I still have, my colleagues whom I have not yet backstabbed, and teachers and mentors that I have been sucking up to;

I commit myself to practising surgery with speed, speed, and ... um ... speed;

My relationship with my patients will be built upon masculine slaps upon the shoulder and brisk promises to have them back on their feet in no time;

I will value all aspects of my patients - cash, credit, and other convertible assets;

I will not permit considerations of gender, race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, nationality or social standing to influence my duty of care - but I should mention that if I do you on my private list I can get it done next Thursday even though the public waiting list is chockers until September 2013;

I will work with my patients to enhance their quality of life and provide support both in times of suffering and well-being - unless it's outside my specific area of research interest in which case I'll just expect the intern to handle it.

My commitment extends to the health of the community, valuing the diversity of people within in it as valuable providers of novelty ethnic food and taxi drivers to/from the airport;

I will support my colleagues working in health care, and treat them with honesty and respect, if they are both senior to me and within earshot; otherwise - shrug...

I will contribute to a work environment that fosters learning and cooperation.  I commit myself to passing on my loudmouthed opinions on topics of interest to me such as luxury watches, sportscars and Fascist politics whenever I have a sharp instrument in my hand, as have those who have gone before me;

I will acknowledge my limitations and mistakes, should they ever occur, preposterous as that may seem to all of us here today in light of my obvious talents;

I will strive for satisfaction and enjoyment in my work but reserve the right to brutalize those in my power should I be having a bad hair day;

I will maintain balance in my life, drinking both red and white;

May these affirmations guide, strengthen and inspire me in practising the art and science of surgery.

Marbles

I was in a dreadful antique store today.  In fact it wasn't really an antique store, it was a "bric-a-brac" store.  "Bric-a-brac" seems to be shopkeeper code for "collections of horrid teacups and twee little bits of quilting".  As such, when drawn into bric-a-brac stores I usually jam my hands into my pockets, stare at the ceiling, and enter my own private world while humming Freddie Mercury songs to myself.

But today I was relieved of the tedium when I spotted a bowl of marbles for sale for 20 cents each.  Deluxe!  These were good marbles too.  Normally when you see marbles for sale they are just digs or catseyes.  But these were a good range of glassies, onions, bananas and snakies.  I bought a couple of digs and catseyes too, since just going for the high-end marbles seems a bit snobbish.

Rolling my newly bought marbles around in my hands brought back a lot of childhood memories.  Fads would sweep through the quadrangle at school every few months.  Most were never to return, but marbles came back every year.  I don't know where our actual marbles came from (as opposed to the marble fad itself, not that I know where that came from either), because with one exception I was never aware of them ever being bought from a store.  I must have pinched some from my older siblings, because otherwise I can't imagine how I ever got any.

The one exception to marbles not being bought I remember happened when some kind blessed spirit possessed my Aged Mother and she bought for us a small mesh bag of bananas and black bananas, mostly quarters but a few halves.  For about a week I was living large at school, being newly rich in marble wealth.  Of course, I was pretty crap at marbles so I pretty quickly lost mine to my less sensitive and more athletically gifted classmates.

A typical example was one time when I was playing a kid who caught the same bus as me.  I'm pretty sure I had put up a couple of banana halves for a snakey quarter.  I thought I was a good chance but he kept accusing me of fudging and awarding himself two shots.  I can remember thinking that this was unbelievable, and that this country was stuffed.  I attempted to call him on it but he threatened my physical integrity so I conceded.

A few words of clarification: we played proper marbles, not the stupid version that seems to be depicted in British children's books and TV programs.  In pommy marbles the objective seems to have been to knock marbles out of a circle with your own marble shot from a distance.  This is plainly absurd and pathetic and no fun at all.  Our marbles was more like golf.  We dug a hole in the ground and, starting about 3 metres away, we would alternate shots to get our marble into the hole first.  Whoever won the game kept the marbles which had been pre-agreed as the stake.  You didn't have to shoot with the marble up for grabs though - hence you could choose a marble appropriate for the terrain.

Of course, all sorts of shenanigans can and did happen, usually leading to disputes, thumpings, tears and shouting.  But that's what childhood is all about.  Buy some marbles for your kids today, then give them a thumping.  One day those will be cherished memories.

Finally, do not under any circumstances submit comments about "losing your marbles".  I will find you and destroy you.