Sunday, September 23, 2012

Medical magic

If medicine was a role-playing game, it would need some sweet magic items for us players to hunt.  Here are some suggestions:
  • Gloves Of Probing - these mighty gauntlets, when donned, will magically extend from the finger-tips to the shoulders of any basically human-sized doctor.  They automatically exude a slippery lubricant which allow the user to probe into any orifice to palpate within, up to a depth of twice the user's height.  The lubricant makes it impossible for the wearer to manipulate hand-held items.
  • Pager Of Silence - this small black box from the dawn of time bears a powerful enchantment which enables it to be perpetually silent and never emit the slightest noise, no many how desperately someone is trying to contact the user.  Legend has it that only registrars can use the Pager Of Silence without suffering the effects of a deadly curse.
  • PTR's Everfull Cracker Box - no matter how many times crackers are taken from this box, somehow it is always full the next time someone looks within.  This item only works when you are not rostered on to take advantage of it.  More specifically, it will never work between 2 a.m. and 7 a.m.
  • Stethoscope +5 - this mystical stethoscope imbues the wearer with the ability to distinguish between crackles (fine and coarse), crepitations, rhonchi, rales, wheeze, sneeze, cough, choke, stridor, and blitzen.  This item is totally ineffective if the patient is armoured with Blubber Of Concealment.
  • Roster of Homecoming - this patient roster with attached list of your jobs is enchanted to fly back to its home in your pocket when a magic word is spoken.  The enchantment is effective against being left beside the ward computer, on the patient's bed, in the doctors' common room, in the cafeteria, in your car, in the operating theatre, or any other location where rosters may be mislaid.  If the magic word is spoken whilst the roster is already in the user's pocket, the roster will attempt to move to the other pocket, causing the user's pants to twist around back to front, causing a -4 penalty to hit in combat and automatic failure of any seduction attempts.
Any other suggestions?


Pink Stethoscopes said...

The Obs Machines of Normal Values. When you get a call for a hypotensive patient, you can act all cool and say, "Oh really? Can you re-check for me now?" And voila! Normotensive, per the Sphygmomanometer of Normal Values! Collect the full set.

PTR said...

Ooooooh - that would be SO useful on nights.

Anonymous said...

the wand of coagulation, when called to someone with catastrophic bleeding, it will instantly cease all bleeding. However the incantation is a cry of 'oh god, please stop bleeding, please stop bleeding' rendering you a -10 on charisma.

PTR said...

I like this one too! Especially the incantation.