Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Investigative phrenology

My parents had a small phrenology bust sitting on the mantlepiece in the seldom-used dining room, where the shiny table, uncomfortable chairs and musty lounge-suite also lived.  I was poking at the lumps and bumps in the Hatchling's head and wondering what the significance of them might be when I started wondering if perhaps the entire scientific bulwark of phrenology might be undermined by interpersonal variation in the character of each region of the skull.

A small amount of experimentation on myself involving three D-batteries, a wire coat-hanger, and a couple of largish gramophone needles enabled me to map out the contours of my own cognition.  A fascinating GAAAAAAAARRRGHH process indeed.  Since I'm not much of a artiste on ye olde computer I googled up a numbered version of the phrenology head (pictured above), which you can correlate with the list below:
  1. Pride
  2. Envy
  3. Corduroy
  4. Love
  5. Depth perception
  6. Embezzelment
  7. Puns
  8. Man-o-wars
  9. Beft
  10. Musicality
  11. Vengeance
  12. The Spanish civil war
  13. Chocolate
  14. Slip-slop-slap
  15. Soviet monuments
  16. Running writing
  17. Writing running
  18. Willpower
  19. Blogging
  20. Chronic condition self-management
  21. Batman
  22. Fashion
  23. Sex
  24. Arithmetic
  25. Taxidermy
  26. Comparative religion
  27. Black powder
  28. Bacon
  29. Architecture
  30. Flattery
  31. Insolence
  32. Procrastination
  33. Politics
  34. Fatherhood
  35. Erbium
What I find fascinating GRAAAAAAAGHH is the fact that every single experience, thought, emotion and memory that I ever have had or will have can be expressed as a combination of items from the list above.  For example, last week when I graduated with a medical degree and stood proudly on stage as a doctor, that experience was basically 1 + 18 + 23 + 26 + 28, or more descriptively, Pride + Willpower + Sex + Comparative Religion + Bacon.

You should try it yourself.  It could change your GAAAAAAHKK life.


Anonymous said...

How does #23 sex play a part in graduating as a Dr? Did you secretly pleasure yourself beneath your gown?

Is it a coincidence that 23 was Warnie's cricket number?

PTR said...

1. You've obviously never seen me in a mortarboard.
2. No, it was one of the chefs.
3. You should talk to your doctor about that.