A list of anniversary gifts

Meanwhile, the Smaller Half and I have recently celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary.  "Celebrated" having a specific meaning, of course, when you have a small child and busy jobs - we caught up for a late lunch and shared a sandwich.  Hooray!

My brother observed that the 9th anniversary is traditionally associated with gifts of willow and pottery, and that perhaps there was some relationship with the Australian cricket team having just won the Ashes.  I thought that this was a surprising coincidence.  He thought that there was perhaps a causative relationship. So I started to look into some of our previous anniversaries to see if any other momentous events may have been due to our tying of the nuptial knot.  First, I needed a definitive list of the traditional gifts associated with each year of marriage.

Much to my surprise, I discovered that every man and his dog seems to enjoy inventing and propagating such lists.  There are "modern updated lists" which claim, for example, that the 4th anniversary should be marked with the gift of kitchen appliances.  There are "spiritual lists" which claim that the 6th anniversary is the quartz anniversary.  There are "nerd lists" which insist that the 10th anniversary is the "flight simulator" anniversary.  These were not what I wanted.

Eventually I managed to track down, in the local library, a moldering crumbly parchment. It is dated from the middle of the 14th century, and has been tucked away, hidden for centuries, in the 23rd edition of the Guinness Book Of Records, which had been mis-shelved in the poetry section.  It records, in the wavering hand of the Capuccin monk Bernadetto Ristretto, the definitive list of anniversary gifts, and was penned as part of the church's planned statement opposing marriage between unrelated couples, the intention being to glorify and uphold the status quo.  And it goef a little fomething like thif:

1. Paper. Preffed ye from reedf growne on the bankf of the briny ocean.
2. A booke of marvelouf and interefting geometrey.
3. A dicke in a boxe.
4. Tranfuranic metalf, formed into a chain or locket that doth glow.
5. A fmall puppey or kitten, calleth Fpot or Fufie, refpectively.
6. A big hatte, fufficient to hide therein a dram of wine.
7. Anti-hiftaminef for the relief of the feafonal rhinitif.
8. A hogfhead of wine, fufficient to hide therein a big hatte.
9. A pockette-fized notebook for the tranfcribing of one'f numerouf paffwordf.
10. The Blue Whale and feveral dayf krill for the feeding of.
11. A particularly bouncey balle, for fport.
12. Thingf of the color red.
13. A native of the Indief for one'f perfonal amufement and care.
14. A jar of fartf.
15. A gifte voucher for a night in one of thofe noveltie "Ice Hotelf".
16. A choir of flender boyf to fing the greateft hitf of Ftatuf Quo.
17. To have a new font named for you, oh verily.
18. A glaff of horfe milke, with the haire extracted with all due diligence and care.
19. A confervative legiflature.
20. The Duke Of Yorke, with pantf of courfe..
21. A copy of thif lift.

... and so on.  It was a useful list, and certainly much more interesting than the typical nonsense that gets foisted on unsuspecting couples every anniversary.  It's such a shame that such a valuable piece of tradition and history has been lost for so long, and I am very excited about having the opportunity to bring it to the attention of the world.

I suggest that the next time your anniversary rolls around, or that of your parents or siblings, you consult this list for gift ideas.  Just imagine how surprised they will be!

A book for idiots

In a store I recently saw the book "Ideas For Writing In Blank Greeting Cards".  At first I was excited!  What a great idea for a book!  I opened up to the contents page, wondering what kind of awkward and esoteric situations might be listed?  Perhaps there would be a page of suggestions for what to write in a card that you are sending to a friend because their priest was sent to jail.  Or perhaps some ideas for what to say to your ex who finally broke up with that putz she was with for years so you might be a real chance again now.  Or what to write in a condolences card for a unpleasant workmate who is heartbroken over her Shetland pony that has just developed diabetes.

Sadly, I was disappointed.  The contents page listed events such as birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, admission to college, graduation from college, and so forth.  Honestly, if you can't come up with something to write for events like this you need a punch in the head.  Yeah yeah, I know that some cards are hard to write - condolence cards for example.  But everybody knows this.  No-one is expecting Beowulf.  You just need to turn up.

But even though the events themselves were pretty run of the mill, I was expecting some entertaining suggestions or at least something mildly original.  But this is the kind of stuff the whole book is filled with: "Congratulations!  May you know many more years of wedded bliss."  Gosh!  I could never have thought of that!

There's nothing intrinsically wrong here, but why do you need to buy a book to get these suggestions?  Why not just buy a blank card, then saunter over to the Wedding Anniversary section of the shop and browse what's written in those cards for ideas?  What I find bizarre, almost scary, is the way the ideas are written using hints such as "I/we" and "(No.) years together" just to make sure that the idiot using it knows that they may have to actually insert some relevant detail, rather than trusting them to both figure it out themselves.

Furthermore, how can it possibly have taken three people to write this book???  The world really may be more full of morons than I currently suspect it to be.

On the other hand, here's a sign on the side of a bed & breakfast that I saw around the same time.  "Vue de Merde".  It restored my faith in humanity just enough to get me through the day.