Thursday, March 26, 2015

Sweet cheeks

Here's a quick quiz for those contemplating getting into medicine as a career - complete this sentence:
"I wish to become a doctor because..."

  1. I want to help people.
  2. I enjoy challenges.
  3. I got good marks at school.
  4. I enjoy pushing people's guts back up into their bums.
Mark my words, if you're applying to medical school, you'll be asked that question, and the correct answer is 4. Bums is where it's at.  The panel will know that you're a pragmatist rather than an idealist and you'll be in like Flynn.

Almost everyone has a rectum.
Some people have prolapsed rectums that fall out of their bums.
A few people have rectum that flop right out if you so much as glance at them wrongly.

Which is fine, don't get me wrong.  Easy in, easy out, in general.  Problem is, if they stay out for a while they can start to swell up, then it's hard to push them back in.  It's like trying to thread a needle with a marshmallow.

If you find yourself having to push a swollen rectum back up someone's bum, here's a handy tip: if you sprinkle said rectum with some salt or sugar, water will be drawn out of the mucosal surface by osmosis.  This reduces the swelling and makes it easier to push it back into the bum.

Having said that, I prefer sugar to salt, for two main reasons.
  1. You know how much it hurts when you get something salty on an ulcer inside your lip? The idea of giving someone that feeling in their bottom just makes me cringe.
  2. I think using sugar instead of salt is safer, just in case someone walks by with a lemon and some tequila and gets the wrong idea about what's going on.  Could be an ugly scene.
So I use sugar.  A teaspoon or so will do.  Leave it on for a few minutes so it has time to shlurp that water out of that rectum.  But before you leap ahead and push it back into the bum, wipe the sugar off first.  You don't want to attract ants.

Any questions?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sweet - no sweat!