Monday, February 23, 2015

4 fattening foods to avoid this summer

Summer is coming, if you live in the northern hemisphere of Mars.  If you're worried about how to get that perfect spacesuit body, here are 4 fattening foods to avoid that you might not know about!

Lard is the big diet fad this year, as it's 99% sugar free.  Lardsicles, lardwiches, lardacinos - people everywhere are singing their praises.  But did you know that as well as being 99% sugar free, lard is only 1% fat free?  And scientists at Princeton have recently discovered that this may result in lard being up to 99% fat!  This may not sound too bad, but some of those scientist's friends have recently theorized that dietary fat may be an important contributor to total caloric intake, which itself is believed to be related in some as yet unknown manner to your energy intake/output balance, which Sanskrit manuscripts recently found in Paulo Coelho's underwear drawer attribute to how fat you are.  So try eating less lard and see if it helps.  You don't have to go entirely without though - colonic irrigation using lard is still okay.

Crushed Glass
Crushed glass is the big diet fad this year, as it's 99% fat free and 99% sugar free.  Glassicles, glasswiches, glassacinos - people are just munching that stuff up.  And sure, in the short term it seems like bleeding vigorously from the mouth and anus would be an easy way to lose weight.  But in the long run, perhaps in 2 hours, perhaps in 3, you'll end up in an intensive care ward getting parenteral nutrition while you wait for your entire digestive tract to be transplanted.  And do those bookish, bespectacled ICU-types really care about the state of your muffin top?  They do not.  They'll just pour those milkshakes into your veins and plump you up, up, up, up, up.

The list of people who don't know that water is fattening is so lengthy, it would be easier for me to just give you the list of people who know that it is.  But that's just what they're expecting me to do.  Shhhhh...  They're listening... Just think of it this way - eliminate all water from your diet and watch your hips melt like ice.  Do it.

It's becoming increasingly common these days for people to think that they can lose those summer pounds and tone those abs simply by eating cancerous facial tumours from Tasmanian Devils.  Facialtumoursicles, facialtumourwiches, facialtumouracinos.  Big mistake - for two reasons.  First, they are so delicious, especially with a garlic and cayenne aioli dip, there's no way you'll be able to stop at just one.  And second, you will of course be infected with Devil Facial Tumour Disease.  And while you might think that this would be a good thing, because the enormous and disfiguring facial tumours will physically prevent you from eating, unfortunately the cells will also disrupt the glomerular basement membrane of your kidneys, giving you a raging case of nephrotic syndrome.  You'll retain fluid in all your tissues and will swell up, up, up, up, up. I can't believe it's not butter!

So those are the four surprising foods you should avoid eating this Martian summer.  I expect you'll all be slimmer, less haemorrhagic, and much, much drier the next time we speak. But that's just what they're expecting.  Arrivederci Roma!

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