I admitted a guy to hospital a little while back. He had liver failure and severe abdominal distension, probably due to his alcoholism but possibility of an intrabdominal malignancy couldn't yet be excluded. A little while later my registrar walked into the cubicle to find me whipping the patient's stomach with a leather thong and making him wear a hair shirt.
"What are you doing?" shrieked my registrar, "I asked you do do an ascitic tap!"
"Oh!" said I, "I thought you said an ascetic tap."