Say what

Telephone

Bring bring!  Bring bring!

PTR (into telephone)

Speak - I listen.

Receptionist (via telephone)

Did you just ring Jesus?

PTR

What??

Receptionist

Do. You. Syringe. Ears.

PTR

Oh, other people's absolutely.

Comic road kill

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Cow.

Cow who?

What did the cow find when it crossed the road?

I don't know, what?

This joke.

Much safer

Hatchling

What is a war?

PTR

A war is what happens when army people from two different lands get together and fight each other, usually because they are having an argument about something.

Hatchling

So they fight with swords?

PTR

In the Olden Days they fought with swords, but now they use guns.

Hatchling

That is good, because swords are very pointy and you might accidentally hurt someone.

Overheard

Patient

Antipsychotics are bullshit!  You know, what happened to people with schizophrenia before antipsychotics were invented? Huh?

Doctor

Well, most of them probably died very young from exposure, malnutrition, violence, suicide, disease, or else were locked up for the rest of their lives.

Patient

Oh.

Custodian

Hatchling

I really really like your watch.

PTR

Me too.

Hatchling

When you are dead, who will get to have your watch?

PTR

You will, I suppose.

Hatchling

I can't wait! I can't wait!

Thoughtful propaganda

Hatchling

Dadda, when I am grown up and getting married, can you please try very very hard to not be dead so you can hold my hand and walk with me past all my friends at the wedding?

PTR

I would love to do that, it would be the best thing ever.

Hatchling

So you have to eat lots of healthy foods and do lots of exercise too.

PTR

Fine then. Fine.

Whoever smelt it...

Smaller Half

There's a funny smell in the kitchen.

PTR

Like what?

Smaller Half

Like there's meat in the bin that's gone off or something.

Hatchling

I think it was Dadda.

PTR

What?!

Hatchling

You always make funny smells, Dadda.

PTR

And how is that?

Hatchling

When you're cooking, of course!

Don't do this at home

PTR

So, what do you do for a job?

Patient

I'm a butcher.

PTR

Me too.  Ha ha ha ha.

Patient

...

PTR

Anyway, it's really true isn't it, that if you want a decent piece of meat you should buy it at a butcher's shop instead of a supermarket.

Patient

I'm a butcher in a supermarket.

PTR

... Sooooo, it's the end of my shift now. 

Bye!

I am, you are, we are Australian

The Hatchling valiantly did her best to get me to chuck a sickie today and stay home to play Lego with her.  I won't pretend I wasn't tempted.

Hatchling

I don't want you to go to work today.

PTR

I know, but I have to go. There will be sick people who need my help.

Hatchling

I have an idea! You could call them and tell them that the other doctors will see them instead of you!

PTR

Yes! Err, I mean, that would be unfair on the other doctors. Sigh.

Still, coming up on Anzac Day as we are, I really think she's demonstrating what being an Aussie is all about!  So proud right now!

And I'd like to mention a devious idea I had today - it occurred to me that if I were to get to work half an hour early, the other people on my shift would see me working hard when they got there and assume that I was on the early shift.  Then when the early shift left, I could stick around for another half hour tidying up loose ends then piss off home early myself.  I won't pretend I wasn't tempted.  So proud right now!

Polysyllabic

Hatchling

Dadda, "eight" rhymes with "great"!

PTR

And "date".

Hatchling

And "gate"

PTR

And "ablate".

Hatchling

And "rescuscitate".

PTR

!!!

Science

Hatchling

Mama, do you know how to make science?

Smaller Half

How to make science? No, tell me.

Hatchling

You need, you need, vinegar! And bottle poda. And green colouring.

Smaller Half

Bottle poda?

Hatchling

Yes. And you put them all in, and it goes up, up, up and all over, like a volcano!

Smaller Half

Do you mean baking soda? 

Hatchling

Yes. Baking soda. To make science.

Game over, man, game over!

PTR

What spell do you think I would cast on you if I was a fairy?

Hatchling

I don't know, what?

PTR

I would cast a spell to make you BEAUTIFUL.

And a spell to make you CLEVER.

And a spell to make you FUNNY.

And a spell to make you PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.

And a spell to make you KIND.

And a spell to make you LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

And a spell to make you STRONG.

But if I could only cast one spell on you, I would cast a spell to make you HAPPY.

Hatchling

Thank you Dadda.

PTR

What spell would you cast on me if you were a fairy?

Hatchling

I would cast a spell - ALIEN!

PTR

What? Really?  Why would you do that?

Hatchling

Because all of the aliens are friendly.

PTR

Thank you sweetheart, that's very kind. 

Paddling

Consultant

And what other regular narrow-complex tachycardias do you know of?

PTR

Atrial flutter - but this is too fast so it isn't flutter.

Consultant

Unless?

PTR

Unless... it is flutter.

The Hatchling can read - kind of...

[Scene: sitting in the hospital cafe, the Hatchling points at a sign on the wall] 

Hatchling
Dada, look! "C", "O", "F", "F", "E", "E"! 

PTR
Good reading, sweetheart!  And what word do all those letters spell? 

Hatchling
Emergency? 

PTR
Close enough.

The day that you realize you're married to a psychiatrist

[Scene: On the couch, watching an advertisement for the forthcoming movie, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes] 

Smaller Half
Why do they keep making the same kind of film over and over? 

PTR
Aheywha? 

Smaller Half
They keep making these films about Man versus the Other, and the Other must be destroyed, but of course in the end it's Man who is the Other. 

PTR
Well thanks for ruining it for me.

Candystore

Doctor

So you have you ever taken risperidone? 

Patient

No.

Doctor

Quetiapine?

Patient

No.

Doctor

Olanzapine?

Patient

No.

I tried marzipan once.  I got it from a friend. 

Et two sandwiches?

At another cafe near my house, the general air is that it's a hang-out for the retired and impaired.  There is nothing cool or stylish about it, but it's clean, new, and well-maintained with an atmosphere best described as "home-made v clinical".  But that's not why I go there.

I go there because I can get a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich and a coffee for $6.90.  I've been there 2 or 3 times per week in the last few months, just to sit down and read the paper and forget my woes.  The guy who runs it is a bit bumbling but nice, and eventually learned what my "regular" order was just in time for me to stop going there because I got a new job.

When it was time to leave I would sit there reading, covertly watching him out of the corner of my eye, until he was busy with another customer.  Then I would briskly get up and with a wave and shout of "See you later!", I would bolt for the door while avoiding eye contact.  Strange behaviour, I know, but if I didn't do this I would be trapped in a deadly escalation of farewells.

This is what would happen - every time I would say goodbye he would come back at me with another goodbye.  He would ALWAYS have the last word.  Which is fine - I can deal with that - but then he'd throw in another zinger to which I would have to respond.  He had an enormous arsenal of valedictory phrases to assault me with.  Example:

PTR

Thanks very much, bye!

Guy

You're welcome!

Have a great day!

PTR

Thanks, you too.

Guy

I will.

Thanks for coming.

PTR

Ha ha, no worries.

Guy

Yep, no worries.

Take it easy!

PTR

You too.

Guy

Too easy!

See you next time!

PTR

If we do meet again, we'll smile indeed;

If not, 'tis true this parting was well made

Guy

Why, then, lead on. O, that a man might know

The end of this day's business ere it come!

But it sufficeth that the day will end,

And then the end is known. Come, ho! away!

Exeunt.

I just have this nagging feeling that it's not going to end well...

Vital signs

Hatchling

I take your tenchaba. 

[Sticks a finger in my ear] 

PTR

What is it? 

Hatchling

One o'clock!

Some day

[The scene - watching an animated nursery rhyme ending in a teddy bear going to school]

Hatchling

Teddy bear go to school?

PTR

Yes, one day you'll go to school too.

Hatchling

I go to school some day, when I am tall.

Zen master in action

Smaller Half

Which is your favourite, the swing or the slippery-slide? 

Hatchling

Red?