Investigative phrenology

My parents had a small phrenology bust sitting on the mantlepiece in the seldom-used dining room, where the shiny table, uncomfortable chairs and musty lounge-suite also lived.  I was poking at the lumps and bumps in the Hatchling's head and wondering what the significance of them might be when I started wondering if perhaps the entire scientific bulwark of phrenology might be undermined by interpersonal variation in the character of each region of the skull.

A small amount of experimentation on myself involving three D-batteries, a wire coat-hanger, and a couple of largish gramophone needles enabled me to map out the contours of my own cognition.  A fascinating GAAAAAAAARRRGHH process indeed.  Since I'm not much of a artiste on ye olde computer I googled up a numbered version of the phrenology head (pictured above), which you can correlate with the list below:

1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Corduroy
4. Love
5. Depth perception
6. Embezzelment
7. Puns
8. Man-o-wars
9. Beft
10. Musicality
11. Vengeance
12. The Spanish civil war
13. Chocolate
14. Slip-slop-slap
15. Soviet monuments
16. Running writing
17. Writing running
18. Willpower
19. Blogging
20. Chronic condition self-management
21. Batman
22. Fashion
23. Sex
24. Arithmetic
25. Taxidermy
26. Comparative religion
27. Black powder
28. Bacon
29. Architecture
30. Flattery
31. Insolence
32. Procrastination
33. Politics
34. Fatherhood
35. Erbium

What I find fascinating GRAAAAAAAGHH is the fact that every single experience, thought, emotion and memory that I ever have had or will have can be expressed as a combination of items from the list above.  For example, last week when I graduated with a medical degree and stood proudly on stage as a doctor, that experience was basically 1 + 18 + 23 + 26 + 28, or more descriptively, Pride + Willpower + Sex + Comparative Religion + Bacon.

You should try it yourself.  It could change your GAAAAAAHKK life.