Code lupp

There are a bunch of emergency codes in the hospital that for some reason are named for colours. If you're ever around a hospital you may hear them being announced over the loudspeaker system. So here's a list of what those codes are which may help you know what's going on in the hospital.

Code blue - medical emergency. If you hear a code blue called for your own bed number, sit up very straight and open your eyes or somebody will stick a very large needle into you.

Code black - behavioural emergency. Somebody's gone off their rocker and is going to be wrestled to the ground by security and bombed out of their skull with drugs by the doctors. This can be done to patients, visitors, staff, basically anyone who flips out. If you get a code black called against you, rush to a phone and call a code black squared against the person who called it on you. Who says you can't tip the butcher back?

Code brown - if called by a doctor, it means it's time to go and have a coffee. If called by a nurse, it means that someone's pooed their pants. So make sure you know the situation before eagerly volunteering to be involved.

Code red - fire. Or smoke. Or a funny smell, like burnt cheese. Or the battery has gone flat in the smoke alarm. Or one of the surgeons got too enthusiastic with the cauteriser while reaming out somebody's prostate. Either way, someone's gonna get their door chopped down by a burly firefighter. Meow!

Code yellow - it's the middle of the night and you really really need to eat one of those small pieces of cheese that you get on airplanes, but the box in the RMO lounge has been pillaged and is empty even though it was refilled yesterday. Throw out a hospital wide code yellow and everyone will check the fridges in the nearby ward kitchens and respond if there is any cheese present.

Code purple - is used signify that:

• the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has been admitted to hospital, and is putting on an impromptu performance in his isolation room. Be there now!
• a patient has severe testicular torsion requiring urgent manual intervention. Be there now!
• both of the above. Run for the hills!

Code white - useful for alerting one of your colleagues, who has worn a suit jacket to work today because they are meeting with their mentor/stalker/sugar daddy, that their shoulders are covered in dandruff and need a brisk brushing. Best not announced over the PA system, but rather whispered discretely into the ear of the victim. Or into someone else's ear if you'd rather the victim was oblivious for the time being but you want to share the joy.

Code orange - there's a Dutch man who insists on bliintzinge his floogeboorts for some individueel slaapcomfoort. At least that's what we hope is happening. If not this could get upgraded to a code black quite rapidly.

Code green - extreme nasal congestion. All hands on deck!

With this list we've covered the basic of emergency situations in hospitals. You should be prepared for anything. And I just wanted to say, "good luck, and we're all counting on you."