Pain or something like it

Medical bloggers love to bang on about the 1-10 pain scale, usually to comic effect.  Here's my contribution, but with cynical intern burn-out substituted for comic effect:

So, the 1-10 pain scale, eh?  In my experience, there's no need for anything so elaborate.  There are only 4 actual subcategories of pain.

1-4. Bearable pain.  Take paracetamol (known in the USA as epinephrine.  No wait, that's something else. Forget it.).
5. Unable to articulate character, site, severity, onset etc etc etc.  Refer to a general medical team.  They love these guys.
6-10. Severe pain. Give opioids and request a general surgical review.  They'll need a baseline before the patient re-presents with constipation from all the opioids you gave them.
11. Drug seeker. Or renal colic.  Either way, some indomethacin up the butt will give someone some relief.

Ha.